those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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