I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
