The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
