Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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