Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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