"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
