I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.