youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.