I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
