We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
