Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
