my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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