This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
