I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
