Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
