apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
