True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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