Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
