I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
