How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
