I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
