Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm just crazy horny about you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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