I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
