You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
