do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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