I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
