I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
