Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
