you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
