oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
