Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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