Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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