That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
