Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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