he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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