wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
