I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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