i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
