The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
