dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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