we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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