I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
