I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
