dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize