he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
