Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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