Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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