you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Holy shit dude........stairs
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
