apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The air taste purple.
Randomize
