Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
