You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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