o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We had sex on a dog bed..
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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