I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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