This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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