it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
