When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
