i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
